Sunday, October 10, 2010

dysfunctional

Off lately, there have been instances when I have been vexed up just because of ego problems. Not ready to accept what the other person says. In the course of such actions and in spite of it being my entire fault, I have never blamed myself for that. Why? Because I have listened enough to others that my life has been led by other people’s advises and suggestions. Now, when I seem mature enough to make own decisions, people ask questions and are able to find problems.

I was never sure if I did want to do biology in my twelfth standard or hold a yet another engineering degree till end of my life. I am still not sure. Those were days when decisions were made for me. I have no regrets; I never have regrets with things I have done but to think of the fact that I could have done something else and been someone else makes me wonder. Everything I have done so far in my life has had significance and I have done quite well. When I look at the profile that has been prepared now, I think I have quite justified with whatever opportunities that have crashed down the door. Still, in one corner of the heart, an annoying call of guilty retains.

Should I have done things I really wanted to do? I remember telling my neighbour that I would become a ‘forensic detective’ someday. It was triggered plainly by some Enid Blyton books which I used to adore and follow religiously. I still smile at that remark made. But, I haven’t changed since then. I still would love to be a forensic detective because I still love those books. Do childish ambitions like this ever come true? 24 of years of living, I still can’t answer that.
I have often seen parents imposing their ambitions on their children. The most surprising part is that they are eventually achieved. It is because parents go to any extent of sacrifices to get the best out of their progeny. In this vivacious cycle of desires, do the children fail to know what they want? Have I forgotten what I wanted?

20 years down the lane, will I be doing the same? I have told myself that I would teach my children dance and a music instrument. Have I forgotten the golden rule of respecting a child’s wishes? But my child wouldn’t what he/she wants. Was it same with my parents? Didn’t I know what I wanted? Questions have been unglorified and in the end it has been what others have wanted. They have what they wanted. Here is a girl of their wishes and will carry the torch of family forward.
I wonder what I am filled with. Guilt? Annoyance? Ignorance? Ambitions? All I want to do right now is run away from the world and make time to introspect.

14 comments:

Vinothraj J said...

Ah we all feel the same way I guess. But many people never cross the stage where they feel they need to take control of their lives. They still work at mind-numbing jobs whch their parents feel are "safe", marry a person chosen by their parents,etc., and live under the illusion that they run their own lives, when all they do is go with the flow. I wonder if they'll feel anything when they look back upon their lives.. That they never took life by it's horns and did what they wanted to.

Granted, It is difficult to throw it all away and start anew. But it's not impossible to nudge your life into a path that is acceptable to you.

My motto, it's never too late to take control of your own life. :)

Murthy said...

Nice .... thoughts...

I had similar thoughts and will keep having them :) :)

My heart wants to cut up stuff and fix them, mostly like a doctor, my mind likes computers I was fascinated by them, at least I got one, but now I want the other too...

subs said...

@Vinoth

wow. Thats a blog post in its own way . I can see frustrations running high and I know I am not alone :)

@Murthy
Think I would be saying the same thing all my life too!

Vinothraj said...

Heh.. Reminds me.. I need to start my own blog ;)

and yeah, you are NOT alone.. :)

subs said...

@Vinoth..

Pls do. Looking forward to it :)

samwriteups said...

This is a common feeling of frustration or anger throughout our country. I personally feel that the freedom of choosing ones line of interest will be possible only when all kind of jobs are respected equally.. a ceo should be proud to say that his/her spouse is a carpenter.. its not too far. we are catching up fast. :)

subs said...

@samz

Are we? I doubt that

ajit said...

hi everybody!
i was searching for hr interview tips; found some good ones by subs and then came across this blog in the last line. its the first i am following. well, i was bit fortunate to select my career options. but still there are times of frustrations (everything doeson't happen as per expectations). i would suggest one thing... go for trekking. it helps a lot (i am unable to express in words). but it may add another feeling...when u r on top of a mountain, standing alone looking around at very large stones/ structures/ whatever...its nature all around. u start thinking... for how long this is all there and nothing would change in our life span... and u may also think... whats the life all about?

subs said...

@Ajit

Wow!! Thanks a lot for coming up here and commenting.

ANd what an idea! baffled. Never thought anyone would give me an idea like :) Thanks again.

subs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Siva said...

Hi,

Was randomly browsing and came across this blog post. Like the attitude/attempt of learning from own experience and thinking of not doing the same to your kids later. :)

At times I also get pissed off at things and wonder what do to and mostly take a break and roam arnd (trek as Ajit mentioned is also one of my fav as it gives some pride and accomplishment along with the fun), but have not wondered as to what else would I ve become. So for some curiosity, given a choice what else would you have become, realistically ?

subs said...

@Siva

I would have become a writer. Hmmm..I still can.

subs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
subs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.