Tuesday, February 2, 2016

(Insert a lot of curse words)

I was never aware that I was capable of spewing this much hate. And yes, now that I know and see the diminutive atom like fireballs spurting from my every part of the body, I think I should do something about it. I am not happy. “About what ?”, you may ask. But this 1:100, brain vs body ratio doesn’t know. I have lost the strength to believe that something good is going to happen; but the only good thing that was happening was that the anger never subsided and I feel the same hate towards everything and everyone.

If you are in super positive frame of mind, I warn you to not read further. This is going to change all that and drag you to my frame, which isn’t good in any way. But, if you are feeling that everything has been unfair to you, I trust you with a company.

I was swimming in wrath that I had to vent it because I couldn’t kill anyone on sight. First thing I did was to drive my vehicle fast. No, not rash. I don’t know if I was because I wasn’t thinking. But I was definitely going at an admirable speed. A grandfather in TVS Champ scorned at me and it felt momentarily good. I wasn’t going to get the anger out of me. I stopped for no one, cared for no one. Then, I tried to imagine something good and that was when my alter ego grew immensely. By the way, she is Kwarkshi, a mix of Evil Father and Angel mother. For obvious reasons, she is very good for a while, very evil other times. This was the exact feeling I was having and more than evil. I let her curse people in my mind till I smiled a lot outside. It worked a bit, but I was running out of imaginations.

As soon as I reached home, I drank one liter carton juice in a single gulp. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t angry because I was hungry. Yeah, its happens. Sometimes.
I let the juice hit my stomach floor and checked my flare temperature. It didn’t come down and I concluded that my irritation was, indeed, genuine. I quickly did a research on the net for bringing down my volcanic eruptions.

Count from 100..till 1. Oh ! Yeah right!

Think of beautiful things. *Double* Yeah right!

Do yoga. Wait. Is this even a solution ? Move every muscle in your body to make you calm ? Touch your feet with your fingers? Isn’t there an organ called stomach in between the two ? And doesn’t it bulge?

I slammed my laptop close, opened it again quickly, to see for damages. It was my office laptop. I just had to be sure.

Thoughts flowed in my head, everything mad, negative and irritating. Every incident, word spoken. I felt betrayed, cheated and sad for myself. It was my mistake that I entered to the comfort zone and it was way too comfortable to make a move. I bottled up all this anger and stood silent.

What should I do ?

What can I do ?

That is when I realized I should harness all this anger and do something about it. First thing I did was write this article. No, it honestly has not made me feel better. I actually think I have written something utter nonsense and drowning in shamelessness. But, this is better than bottling it up inside and not doing anything about it.

So, I am going to be let this bulk-hulk mode on. Focus it all on something totally different and shoot it. Maybe it will turn sour; or for once, it will be for good. I am going to go there. And get it!


 P.S., If you think this instilled anger in you, I believe you should share.

P.S., I kept it short. No, I wasn't hungry. Promise.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

The insignificant me

Some are creating records. Others are making double histories. And Most of them are half my age.

She won the Tennis Doubles again, Boy Band’s song is in the top of the charts consecutively for the fifth week, he fought the soldiers all by himself, they signed a pact and the stories alike. The insignificant-me can do nothing but ponder over what to write.

In 6 billion, how much do I matter?
To whom do I matter?
Why am I not a celebrity?
Why I am not talked about?

All these questions run behind my head while I wait at the cobbler’s place. His workplace is a tiny steel box to fit him and ten pairs of footwear that he had stitched together.

“How much ?”, I ask him with thoughts still lingering somewhere subconsciously

I don’t know what he said but I handed over a lot more than he asked for. I didn’t take the change and left the place with just a nod. I remember him trying to smile through his infected mouth and say thanks. But, I wasn’t in the right mind to take his gratefulness.

Am I not just another person going to work, making a livelihood so that I can eat my next meal in peace?
Wouldn’t I been able to something for others if I had more money or power?

I was doing a self-analysis in the middle of the road as if the pollution would spray answers into me when a mother, with a little child mounted on her scooter, tried to push her vehicle around mine. I just looked at her, pushed my vehicle behind and let her pass ahead of me. I remember the relief on her face and she explaining that the child was late to school. But, I wasn’t in the right mind to take her thankfulness.

The flickering orange light in my vehicle indicated that there was no petrol and this distracted me a bit. But, as soon as I saw a poster of a famous car racer above the bunk, I was back into my own world of self-destruction. I told the puny man over the machine for a tank full and he shot some instructions like zero which hit off my head. Suddenly, I was woken by loud honking by a huge white van, like it was the last day for all of us. I realized there was a coil of green pipes in front of the vehicle which my puny man was trying to push with his Popeye muscles. Being larger than him, with no second thoughts, I helped him and brought peace to the Petrol Bunk. He whispered something under his heavy breathe and folded his hands. But, I wasn’t in the right mind to take his drama.

Wouldn’t people look up to me if I was famous ?
Why was I not talented at all ?

Again, I was stopped on the road not by the lights but by the white shirt traffic police. He was signing hand signals to other side and put us on hold for the time being. He was glancing over my side. It had to be one of this; either I was so attractive that someone noticed me in the crowd or I was doing something terribly wrong. In split moments, I realized he was actually looking for his associate who was seated on the pavement with hand on his head.

“Are you ok?” he shouted at his associate.

“No, I have a terrible headache”, his associated shouted back.

As a spectator, I watched this like a movie on a screen while realizing I have a good stock of analgesic that I was addicted to. I pulled my bag, pulled out a strip and handed it over to him. He looked at me like I was offering an atom bomb. After full 20 seconds of blank straight stare, he blinked and accepted my atom bomb.  The white shirt traffic police signaled us to leave and I was on my way again.

It wasn’t until I reached my cubicle and opened my mails; I became completely aware of the surrounding. There were multiple mails from customers asking for lot of work to be done for the day. It made me feel that I was more important at my workplace and there were people reaching out to me.
When I resorted to solve my clients’ issues, I felt a lot more significant than the usual. At all other times, whose life is this insignificant-me making it easy anyway?