Mirrors

"I am Goddess. Her Goddess"

Engrossed in self affirmation thoughts, her fingers touched the sedating tones of the light that passed through the curtains. Engulfed in darkness of the room, her eyes shone with the images that appeared in glassy form. Her monotonous routine that existed for past half of the year repeated itself again today. This was her life, in all means, one she wanted to have but it lay in another realm of the universe. There she saw them, Vyas and Avantika, as blurry images in the strange light, but vividly in her head. 

She still didn’t come into terms with what had happened almost six months ago. In desperation to end everything, and rage madness of isolation she discovered she was able to touch upon an alternative universe. She couldn’t comprehend it at first, believing it to be one of her hallucinations, but she saw herself in another universe. The women in other universe was herself – her curly haired , tall frame but that was where the similarities end. In her world, Neha was alone and depressed, but when she knew she could control some of the happenings in the other world ,she reversed all the feelings for the Avantika in the other universe. She had learnt that was she was called in the other universe.

Avantika was everything Neha wanted to be. Filled with confidence and grace, Avantika moved around in positivity. 

"It is all my doing. I am her Goddess"

It was true that Neha could alter events in Avantika's world. It was Neha who put the miracles, confidence and Vyas. All Neha had to do was feel the emotions of everything she wanted Avantika to have and touch the realm that shone from the curtains, and they reflected. Not very successful all the time since it involved human emotions, but when they worked, they worked great. This way, Neha influenced all the moments that Avantika believed were magic – answers in exams, signs from the universe and laughter out of blue.

It took Neha, weeks for her to frame Vyas in her head and reach him emotionally. This was excruciatingly hard, because Neha was never loved in her realm. She was mentally abused from everyone she expected to love her. To birth someone out of love, from a hollow meaningless heart was hard for Neha, but she did. She pictured Vyas in each frame of her mind and passed him to reality to Avantika's world. There he was, in all intelligence, valour and love. 

Neha always made beautiful scenarios for them ; from their first kiss, making love to their meaningless possessive fights. She filled them with love when they were missing each other, happiness in their sadness, thoughtful in their ways and respectful in their deeds. She gave them all the energy she possessed, and invested in their mental well being. She could only influence so much as the scenarios in their lives, not their thoughts or deeds. She set their lives as much as she could, in all colours. 

Neha gave everything for the other realm. She would sit in that corner day in night out, crane her neck over the images till her head would start to throb. She would then watch them sleep in their world, and pop her sleeping pills for peace in hers. Every morning she opened her eyes to their love, journey and lives. 

Avantika would now and then experience a Déjà vu , and Neha would know it is from her world. Neha had much control with Avantika, because it was herself, and not so much on Vyaas. Since she watched both in their every day lives, she would set Avantika as Vyas wanted her to be, so he would treat her the way Neha wanted. If she saw he was sad, she would signal Avantika to message him, watch her suddenly feel confused, pick her mobile and message Vyas. 

Vyas was that ideal man in Neha's head. He was loyal, full of love and handsome lad. He took efforts to woo Avantika, pamper her and indulge in every thing she wanted.

Neha believed she created this perfect world for Avantika. She had everything Neha would have thought as luxury – perfect home, man and life. 

"Avantika must be the luckiest woman ever. She is this Goddess's child"

It was one of those days, where Neha had executed a full bliss. She instilled Avantika's desire to go to the beach, then gobble down two mugs of beer, whisper sweet nothings into Vyas's ears as he drove back home. They had watched the sunset together, chatting away about the nostalgic moments of the previous years of their lives. Neha listened to them earnestly, even though this was her third time. Vyas had kissed Neha, a good night under moon and she sneaked into the house without making a sound.

Like every other night, Neha saw Avantika change her clothes and pray before going to bed. This was the most fulfilling moment for Neha. Sometimes, Avantika said the prayers in her head which would be like murmurs for Neha, and other times louder. Neha always felt those prayers were for her, for she was the one who did everything.

When Avantika lay on the bed in her world, Neha popped her night pills.

"Today was a perfect day"

Avantika usually slept as soon as her head hit the pillow, but not today. She tossed a bit around and stared into the ceiling, which seemed directly into Neha's eyes. Even though Neha's body was surrounding to the pills, it irked her.

"Why aren’t you sleeping, Avantika? Are you thinking of how great the day was? Of how blessed you are? Are you counting your miracles?"

Avantika frowned. Neha didn’t feel a happy vibe from Avantika, however it wasn’t a negative one either. 

"Did you hear me, Avantika ? Are you happy?"

Avantika sighed and suddenly got up. She seemed lost in her thoughts.

This made Neha anxious. 

"Had she missed something important ? Was it their birthdays ? Or any important day ? What did I do wrong ?"

She waited. For a moment, across the universes, both their eyes met. Neha flinched in uneasiness. This has never happened before. She saw Vyas smiling to himself in his sleep. 

"Hey God!", Avantika muffled under her breathe.

This annoyed Neha as she was clearly the other gender, but she just looked on. Her heart pounded heavily. She didn’t know why she was feeling this way. 

Avantika's lips moved again, "don’t you think I deserve better ? Better life, happiness? Even guy like Vyas, hmmmm.. I could really do better"

Time stopped when she heard it. The quivering voice of Avantika broke every fragment of Neha. Her pain, blemishes, misery. Everything swallowed slowly into emptiness of unfathomable existence. She breathed slowly in blank emotion. 

"In spite of everything. In spite of all. In spite of love, contentment. In spite of perfect man. All that I did. All that I gave. All that I showered upon her"

Neha couldn’t think further as she swallowed the lump in her throat. It wasn’t her situations in either world. Her head felt heavy with sleep, but her mind was calm. She knew one thing for sure.

In this world, next one or in any other of the infinite ones, it was her. Always her.