Mirrors

"I am Goddess. Her Goddess"

Engrossed in self affirmation thoughts, her fingers touched the sedating tones of the light that passed through the curtains. Engulfed in darkness of the room, her eyes shone with the images that appeared in glassy form. Her monotonous routine that existed for past half of the year repeated itself again today. This was her life, in all means, one she wanted to have but it lay in another realm of the universe. There she saw them, Vyas and Avantika, as blurry images in the strange light, but vividly in her head. 

She still didn’t come into terms with what had happened almost six months ago. In desperation to end everything, and rage madness of isolation she discovered she was able to touch upon an alternative universe. She couldn’t comprehend it at first, believing it to be one of her hallucinations, but she saw herself in another universe. The women in other universe was herself – her curly haired , tall frame but that was where the similarities end. In her world, Neha was alone and depressed, but when she knew she could control some of the happenings in the other world ,she reversed all the feelings for the Avantika in the other universe. She had learnt that was she was called in the other universe.

Avantika was everything Neha wanted to be. Filled with confidence and grace, Avantika moved around in positivity. 

"It is all my doing. I am her Goddess"

It was true that Neha could alter events in Avantika's world. It was Neha who put the miracles, confidence and Vyas. All Neha had to do was feel the emotions of everything she wanted Avantika to have and touch the realm that shone from the curtains, and they reflected. Not very successful all the time since it involved human emotions, but when they worked, they worked great. This way, Neha influenced all the moments that Avantika believed were magic – answers in exams, signs from the universe and laughter out of blue.

It took Neha, weeks for her to frame Vyas in her head and reach him emotionally. This was excruciatingly hard, because Neha was never loved in her realm. She was mentally abused from everyone she expected to love her. To birth someone out of love, from a hollow meaningless heart was hard for Neha, but she did. She pictured Vyas in each frame of her mind and passed him to reality to Avantika's world. There he was, in all intelligence, valour and love. 

Neha always made beautiful scenarios for them ; from their first kiss, making love to their meaningless possessive fights. She filled them with love when they were missing each other, happiness in their sadness, thoughtful in their ways and respectful in their deeds. She gave them all the energy she possessed, and invested in their mental well being. She could only influence so much as the scenarios in their lives, not their thoughts or deeds. She set their lives as much as she could, in all colours. 

Neha gave everything for the other realm. She would sit in that corner day in night out, crane her neck over the images till her head would start to throb. She would then watch them sleep in their world, and pop her sleeping pills for peace in hers. Every morning she opened her eyes to their love, journey and lives. 

Avantika would now and then experience a Déjà vu , and Neha would know it is from her world. Neha had much control with Avantika, because it was herself, and not so much on Vyaas. Since she watched both in their every day lives, she would set Avantika as Vyas wanted her to be, so he would treat her the way Neha wanted. If she saw he was sad, she would signal Avantika to message him, watch her suddenly feel confused, pick her mobile and message Vyas. 

Vyas was that ideal man in Neha's head. He was loyal, full of love and handsome lad. He took efforts to woo Avantika, pamper her and indulge in every thing she wanted.

Neha believed she created this perfect world for Avantika. She had everything Neha would have thought as luxury – perfect home, man and life. 

"Avantika must be the luckiest woman ever. She is this Goddess's child"

It was one of those days, where Neha had executed a full bliss. She instilled Avantika's desire to go to the beach, then gobble down two mugs of beer, whisper sweet nothings into Vyas's ears as he drove back home. They had watched the sunset together, chatting away about the nostalgic moments of the previous years of their lives. Neha listened to them earnestly, even though this was her third time. Vyas had kissed Neha, a good night under moon and she sneaked into the house without making a sound.

Like every other night, Neha saw Avantika change her clothes and pray before going to bed. This was the most fulfilling moment for Neha. Sometimes, Avantika said the prayers in her head which would be like murmurs for Neha, and other times louder. Neha always felt those prayers were for her, for she was the one who did everything.

When Avantika lay on the bed in her world, Neha popped her night pills.

"Today was a perfect day"

Avantika usually slept as soon as her head hit the pillow, but not today. She tossed a bit around and stared into the ceiling, which seemed directly into Neha's eyes. Even though Neha's body was surrounding to the pills, it irked her.

"Why aren’t you sleeping, Avantika? Are you thinking of how great the day was? Of how blessed you are? Are you counting your miracles?"

Avantika frowned. Neha didn’t feel a happy vibe from Avantika, however it wasn’t a negative one either. 

"Did you hear me, Avantika ? Are you happy?"

Avantika sighed and suddenly got up. She seemed lost in her thoughts.

This made Neha anxious. 

"Had she missed something important ? Was it their birthdays ? Or any important day ? What did I do wrong ?"

She waited. For a moment, across the universes, both their eyes met. Neha flinched in uneasiness. This has never happened before. She saw Vyas smiling to himself in his sleep. 

"Hey God!", Avantika muffled under her breathe.

This annoyed Neha as she was clearly the other gender, but she just looked on. Her heart pounded heavily. She didn’t know why she was feeling this way. 

Avantika's lips moved again, "don’t you think I deserve better ? Better life, happiness? Even guy like Vyas, hmmmm.. I could really do better"

Time stopped when she heard it. The quivering voice of Avantika broke every fragment of Neha. Her pain, blemishes, misery. Everything swallowed slowly into emptiness of unfathomable existence. She breathed slowly in blank emotion. 

"In spite of everything. In spite of all. In spite of love, contentment. In spite of perfect man. All that I did. All that I gave. All that I showered upon her"

Neha couldn’t think further as she swallowed the lump in her throat. It wasn’t her situations in either world. Her head felt heavy with sleep, but her mind was calm. She knew one thing for sure.

In this world, next one or in any other of the infinite ones, it was her. Always her.

An assignment

I am going to through a writing course, because I needed to pick a hobby. As part of the course, I need to write an assignment about the most painful thing I felt in my life. I have 7 minutes to pour this out, and I could be brave. I have always been brave, or actually hiding because nobody is reading.

So, here it goes, my time starts now :

***

No, it wasnt love, or isolation, that hurt me the most. It was my own failure to give it all in my academics. A trait I cannot keep up with. It was during my teenager days and the final score of an exam, that affected me the most. I scored low among all the friends, and knew I wouldnt be in the best of colleges. And the most painful feeling in the situation was guilt.

I was given every opportunity by my parents to excel in academics. I was given internet at 15, coaching classes, incredible brilliant friends, yet I failed them all. I failed my parents. And it made me so guilty. I cried for an entire week to myself, I cried throughout the night that God could somehow change my scores. It felt like I was always in the limelight, and suddenly someone turned off the switch. I was there, stranded alone, and when I looked further at the audience, everyone stared back. My mother felt so disappointed that she didnt confront me. She wasnt angry . She was quiet. That quietness deafened me. I could hear my own voice in my head, and I am my most best-worst critic. It was my voice telling me that I failed for life. I wasnt going to a good college. I felt , and still feel I dont deserve the single opportunity given to me. All those I was privileged with should have gone to someone else who needed it most. He could have done things much better. It was my first big time failure. It crashed my confidence that I never gained back. It scares me to death of all the consequences that followed. Even today, when I write a simple certificate exam, the 17 year old me wakes up within. She is constantly telling me I am going fail in whatever I do. She is creeping all over my body, and no one understand this when I tell them. I am still ashamed that I disappointed everyone around me.

I am reminded of this again today, and it is the same guilt saddening feeling inside.

I wish I cold vomit these emotions.

And flush it down somewhere.

***

And I am done :)

Back in randomness

I forgot why I used to write. I dont know where the motivation came from, who read it or what some of my posts even meant. I tried to remember. I vividly understand the surge in heartbeat when I wrote an article. Those non flickering anticipation that each word gave.

What happened to old me ?

What happened to my happiness?

I just saw that the blog was more than a decade old. This means, there are pages of desperation, inspiration and flow of emotions for 10 long years. My each writing would reflect my mood of the day.

Where did my power to dream go? Why am I accepting everything on way now?

Currently, I am a wreck. I am not happy, grateful or sincere. I am lost, devastated and nothing is clear to me. Things I believed in are now forgotten. I live in delusion of black tar. I am suffocating in it, and I cant see.

Would you believe if I told you I have been questioning everyone's happiness?

What makes people happy ?

I dont know. I dont know as much as I dont know what to do with myself. I am too egoistic to delve deeper, and ask the right questions. And I am too proud to talk to anyone.

That was when I realized why I wrote.

Was it my heart speaking?

It has always been easier to write. Like in a diary. I could have never been able to win a speech , but I could write. I have always been able to explain pain as much as I could experience it. It was easier, like breathing.

I am sure it didnt make sense to lot of people, but to me, it did. I knew what I was going through with each sentence.

Maybe, I should write more. Only my sister has been pushing me to write more. I should do it.

I never believed in my writing. It was just a farce. A joke.

But now, to save myself, I need to write. And believe in it.

Digging deep the grave

Oh my! Did you not know the way back?

Work of art remains here though,

Did you not notice what may have left behind?

It doesn’t seem to hurt me anymore.

Blood may bleed, so may it clot

Tears may dwell, so may the heart rot,

Your happiness is embalmed in my curse,

For that every word you had uttered.

Die o love! Die in the faith you never had,

Cry in the tears of loss and suffer,

Celebrate the victory that was never yours,

Pray for the sins that were committed.

I am not your God, I am not another vain,

I am not your love,I am your pain,

Conceit to the world your peaceful thoughts,

And shake in pain deep within,

Does it hurt to see me happy?

That was much intended, oh,you blind?

Let it scar on your mind and heart,

Like that of burnt lips from fag.

Let it spread the misery of heaviness,

Like that of the fragrance of flower.

Let the flesh burn raw and crude,

Let the heart cry out loud in hell.

Ask not what are the reasons to hate,

Pebbles in the shore of river are never rare,

Choke with sadness for all that matters,

Like the smoke in you that was not let out.

When you thought that everything was over,

That very moment was the beginning,

For the mistake you made this time,

Carry the burden for generations to come.