Back in randomness

I forgot why I used to write. I dont know where the motivation came from, who read it or what some of my posts even meant. I tried to remember. I vividly understand the surge in heartbeat when I wrote an article. Those non flickering anticipation that each word gave.

What happened to old me ?

What happened to my happiness?

I just saw that the blog was more than a decade old. This means, there are pages of desperation, inspiration and flow of emotions for 10 long years. My each writing would reflect my mood of the day.

Where did my power to dream go? Why am I accepting everything on way now?

Currently, I am a wreck. I am not happy, grateful or sincere. I am lost, devastated and nothing is clear to me. Things I believed in are now forgotten. I live in delusion of black tar. I am suffocating in it, and I cant see.

Would you believe if I told you I have been questioning everyone's happiness?

What makes people happy ?

I dont know. I dont know as much as I dont know what to do with myself. I am too egoistic to delve deeper, and ask the right questions. And I am too proud to talk to anyone.

That was when I realized why I wrote.

Was it my heart speaking?

It has always been easier to write. Like in a diary. I could have never been able to win a speech , but I could write. I have always been able to explain pain as much as I could experience it. It was easier, like breathing.

I am sure it didnt make sense to lot of people, but to me, it did. I knew what I was going through with each sentence.

Maybe, I should write more. Only my sister has been pushing me to write more. I should do it.

I never believed in my writing. It was just a farce. A joke.

But now, to save myself, I need to write. And believe in it.

Introducing myself.The pain.

I am pain. I am no ambivalence because I have no further degrees of existence. Big or small, I am still the pain.

I am prevalent somehow; I can be seen through externalities like expressions and sounds, at the same time, can be hidden in emotions. Thus, this chaos of dominance makes me special yet I am the unwanted. No, I am not related to sadness because I live in all myriads of human feeling. I can be felt in sadness, cured in injury, confused in failure, understood in rejection and most important, never do I come alone.

I can never be explained. I could sweep in through you to show my presence or stay in corner of heart and make it heavy but never has anyone been able to describe what I am.

I am underestimated and need my due respects. I could show who you really are. I am the reason for your introspection. I could help you realize the worth of many other feelings that you really look forward to. Would you realize happiness without me? Gain something you have always wanted without my assistance? Adding to millions of my service, would your emotions exist without me being there?

I am not God but a way to him; make you kneel before anything that you fear or love, the choice is yours. I am sometimes the pleasure you seek and sometimes, the relief you want. I am the origin of fear and result of action you might want or wish to avoid. When I am there, you would have no other companion but me. The only thing that ever hits your sense is to get rid of me. I am sometimes, your soul mate.

I am a symbiotic nuisance; I cannot exist without your will.

Understand me, for I have been misunderstood for ages. Without me, there is no victory, no self respect and no other emotion. I am the God. I am the devil.