Digging deep the grave

Oh my! Did you not know the way back?

Work of art remains here though,

Did you not notice what may have left behind?

It doesn’t seem to hurt me anymore.

Blood may bleed, so may it clot

Tears may dwell, so may the heart rot,

Your happiness is embalmed in my curse,

For that every word you had uttered.

Die o love! Die in the faith you never had,

Cry in the tears of loss and suffer,

Celebrate the victory that was never yours,

Pray for the sins that were committed.

I am not your God, I am not another vain,

I am not your love,I am your pain,

Conceit to the world your peaceful thoughts,

And shake in pain deep within,

Does it hurt to see me happy?

That was much intended, oh,you blind?

Let it scar on your mind and heart,

Like that of burnt lips from fag.

Let it spread the misery of heaviness,

Like that of the fragrance of flower.

Let the flesh burn raw and crude,

Let the heart cry out loud in hell.

Ask not what are the reasons to hate,

Pebbles in the shore of river are never rare,

Choke with sadness for all that matters,

Like the smoke in you that was not let out.

When you thought that everything was over,

That very moment was the beginning,

For the mistake you made this time,

Carry the burden for generations to come.         

That end of life

Cigarette. The most intriguing commodity I have ever witnessed. It seizes the holder in minutes of madness and claims a power that is inexplicable. Still, he lingers on to it and succumbs. He does not get judgmental in the moments of its companionship and this character makes him vulnerable.

He is lost in its unexplained charm which confuses him of what he thinks of it. He enjoys it in his boredom, failure, thoughts and pleasure. He does not know what he wants nor understands what he gains when it is placed between his fingers.

Irony it may be, but analogies can be drawn from every aspect of life. Are not decisions like the cigarettes?

When two paths unfold and you choose one of them, does that mean a choice? As human of rational thoughts, we would say a yes. But, is there a choice in everything that we foresee and forgo? If the answer is yes again, then decisions make us vulnerable and the hard hitting facts makes us understand that there is more to what we had assumed or known.

Decisions make us succumb to the best of alternatives that has been drawn out of the experiences we accumulated. We make them all the time. We think, confuse ourselves and hold on to what we believe is the best.

I am of opinion that all decisions are of evaluative in nature only after it has been occurred. Just like the cigarettes, you cant be judgmental while acting upon the decision. You have to fall into its confusion and unpredictable nature on the go before understanding the full implication.

What makes a decision right or wrong? Maybe, it is only the outcome that can tell. Till then, you will have to enjoy it in the moments of boredom, failure, thoughts and pleasure. You will have to let yourself indulge in hope and wait in despair for the results you wanted to know.

Decisions can make you addictive like the commodity as it can force you into thinking about it all the time. It is like the nag at the back of the head that appears at times when you need it the least.

When the ashes of the cigarette burn out, would you not be tempted to go into the same dilemma again? Decisions are exactly like that. We make them too often enough to notice. We fall into the same repetitive cycle of ever lasting dilemma.

Except that, decisions don’t burn out like ashes. They stay to make scars.

Roll of a die

In chaotic state of doubt and desire,

When every materialistic and subjective things matter the most,

Bring it closer to your vulnerable heart,

And understand the rhythmic beat that you own.

Being merely prudent is a delusion,

Because there is no relative perfection,

Attain what you must,

For no one shares your own regret.

Don’t believe the folks when they utter,

That grey shades do occur in life,

Black and white is the choice,

And in all circumstances, choice was present.

Destiny moulds as you go,

Fate unfolds when least expected,

But can’t you do something to the withering flower,

That has been placed in your hands.

Thrust forward to run the mile if need be,

Plough the impossible grounds if you want to,

Break the barriers with nonchalant might,

Live the life in your own boundary less right.

Journey that has been cast may seem blurred,

Or easily attainable in companionship,

Whatever be the reason,

Even shadow refuses to follow you in the dark.

Why waste life on things you didn’t want,

Or things that were unattainable,

Why risk for things that were never meant to be yours,

Is running behind the pot of gold under a rainbow considered wise?

Same thoughts, why not fight for what you want?

Give the chance a chance in random,

Move the time in reasons of faith and hope,

And never give up for that one reason you wanted the most.

Miracles are made to occur,

Battles are avenged to fight,

Sometimes, let heart do the talking,

Things that the mind never has to know.

Don’t turn back to see the steps taken,

Deeds are never to be justified,

Sprint forward towards the dark unknown,

No one lied when they said life happens only once.

Cribber's diary

Amongst the darkest and most annoying phases, this maybe a cynical post but I deserve one. Everyone does. I pass phases just like every other person, except that I realize and think about it too much. Memory is a bi- emotion; it helps you at one time and gives you a headache the other time.

Here are my entries in the diary I would love to lose.

I regret..

(1)Not doing the best of ability: Cliché? But it is true. I often wonder what makes one passionate and other, not. There were things that were planned and laid ahead with so much careful calculations but in implementation, everything was lost. Academics, relationships and even, capitalizing on the strengths. I was methodical and never learnt to break free. I am sure nothing is lost but I wish I had tried more and better rather than letting everything take over me. This regret, I am still working on.

(2)Not loving my family as much as I should have: This is very true. I have never let them know how important they are. I never wanted to be known as an emotional individual and chose to be independent. Now, let us not imagine a girl with no love or affection. It is just a feeling that I should have carried out more than what I have ever done.

(3)Letting things go at the end: I have not been very persistent about many things. Too much thinking and too little confidence. It would be nice if I had a bowl of optimism that I could drink from every day. Little things did annoy and little things did exhilarate me. I wish I worked till the end without any confusion and with more clarity.

(3)Letting people hurt me: It is entirely my fault that I chose to go around wrong people and ended up getting hurt. I hate being naïve and thought of being so either. If given the super powers, I would love to dwindle all the time I wasted on those people. If given the chance and guts, I would love to hurt them back. I am not being cruel. What goes round comes back.

(4)Not learning to sing: Music has never amazed me and I, till date have not been able to find out why. It doesn’t make me lose myself nor does it bring any happiness. Music, to me is just another sound; pleasant and not pleasant. But, I love the words that are strung together with the music. Because of this one sole reason, I wish I had learnt to sing.

(5)Not calling my friends: This is a common complaint that I don’t call anyone without a reason. I am sorry. It is laziness that encapsulates my consideration. I promise to call.

(6)Not capitalizing my strength and leaving the weakness: I did exactly the opposite and ended up putting the eggs in too many baskets. Though, it is not my regret, I hope to be more careful in future.

(7)Not saving enough money: Guess this is self explanatory.

(8)Not eating less: Apparently being a part of the fair gender, there are some traits that need to be prominent. To me, beauty and health takes a backseat when food comes into the picture.

(9)Not being able to market myself: I cant laugh loud or throw couple of swear words that every boy in the corridor would notice. I cant say things I did and emphasize on my contribution. I cant let others know what I can do. In simple terms, I cant market myself.

The list seems endless and it does send me to a state of utmost depression. It imbibes a feeling of inferiority and makes me seem insignificant. But, do I do anything about it apart from cribbing? That is another most important weakness.

If God rested

12^th December, 2012, 15: 45 p.m.

He waited for her over the big monitor that has been his only partner for past few decades.

In less than few seconds, she appeared.

“Are you sure?”, he asked in subtle voice that ensured no fear and coveted reply.

“Absolutely”, she replied.

“Dextera Domini”, he said in his breathe and almost a mumble.

“Means the right hand of God. If they work out their plan and execute accordingly, rest assured that the entire world would be convinced”. She emphasized on the ‘entire world’.

“Can it be done scientifically? Bring darkness over light?”, he asked for the thousandth time.

She knew he had something in mind and would stress on a question until he was satisfied. It was her duty to give him the information.

“It pertains to the fundamentals of quantum physics. Light and darkness are mere illusions of mind. Light and darkness are part of the same spectrum with different names. Darkness just consists of wavelengths of various radio, microwave, infrared, ultraviolet, X-ray and gamma rays. If they are emitted in the right quantities, they constitute the darkness”.

“So, it is possible”, he asked again.

“Yes, it is”, she answered again. This time frustration emerged in the conversation. She hid her face behind the 4-D signals monitor. The signal indicated the urgency of the message.

“What is the ultimate motive?”, he questioned. This time he at least seemed to take the conversation further.

“Chaos”. Her one word reply.

“Chaos?”, he asked genuinely perplexed.

“Chaos is the pivot of confusion, untrustworthy, doubts, fear and tends to set human to extreme measures. It makes sure that no one depends on the system. And by this, no one bothers about norms and there is no setting in the society. It is like an epidemic break”, she explained satisfied by her own understanding.

“So, it cant be stopped. People will stop believing in the system and us. There would be murders and suicides.”, he added to her explanation.

“Not just murders, but genocides. People will think that killing is their right. It would involve another survival of the fittest. Dextera Domini believe they are sent by God to destroy everything. Just like the Ark of Noah”, she explained to indicate the seriousness.

“This must be stopped”, he claimed.

She felt this was the first time he said something wise. She didn’t reply to him. She remained calm and allowed him to think.

“How did they convince that the world would end?”, he asked.

‘Questions again’, she thought. “Sir, the means of communication is much more complex and far reaching”, she almost smirked in reply.

“No. How did they say that the world would end?”, he asked more clearly.

“They said that the earth would rotate the opposite direction. This indicates that the places that have sun would become dark and vice versa. This would be followed by cyclones and any other factors that might exist in this phenomena”, she uttered clearly.

“Which simply indicates that they would induce darkness and light at appropriate places and chaos would follow”, he nodded in reply.

“Where are their reactors placed?”, he asked the final question.

She gave him six combinations of longitudes and latitudes. “You will have to destroy every of them before their operation begins. Good luck Sir”. With these words she disappeared.

He called the operator and gave the instructions.

12^th December ,2012, 23: 53 p.m.

He was sure of their system and perfect execution of commands. More than three fourth of his officers were sent to do the job. There were instant five calls assuring him that the reactors have been taken care of. The sixth reactor, bigger and rumoured to be set on first was still not destroyed.

He was waiting for that one call. A success call that assured him a promotion and the world to look up to their organization. One call that might restore faith in human race.

The communicator blinked.

“Yes?”, he asked.

“We destroyed the all the reactors”, the voice spoke.

“Brilliant !” , he claimed.

“I am not very sure , Sir", voice lowered not in secrecy but in pain.

“What do you mean?”, he screamed.

"There has been spilling. We can see darkness flow right before our eyes.It seems that the reactors continue to function even after being hit.”, voice panicked.“The operation continues because the reactors cannot be destroyed by mere weapons. It was all programmed. We should have hit the source code.”, voice explained.

He slumped into the chair. Everything seemed to fade before his eyes.

12^th December ,2012, 00:04 a.m.

Chaos was set out. Dextera Domini succeeded.

Then the clock ticked

Three shadows that cast in the room seemed still. If a painter was brought in, he would have completed a painting without any hassle. The steam from the coffee mug seemed to blur one of men with spectacles. He grumbled, scratched his chin and removed his glasses. The other two didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence.

The wood creaked every time they made slight movement. Many old dusty photo frames and medals were hung random on the walls. Being new to the job, Mr. Ruskin felt it was an odd and old fashioned place to enquire a criminal. Especially some one like Mr. Frussel.

“We thought we would never lay our hands on you”, said Mr. Merchin. He rubbed his glasses on his sweater sleeve.

Frussel didn’t say anything. It seemed of his nature not to speak more than what is needed of him. This was taught to him in twenty seven years with faith and fear of Lord Durne.

Ruskin smirked at the naivety of Merchin. It was just over a year when he joined the investigation bureau. To his knowledge , Merchin was with the enquiry department for past thirty four years but he handled only small petty suspects and criminals , so, this innocuous statement was not a surprise.

“Hope you wouldn’t bother me with questions about the whereabouts of Lord Durne”, said Frussel curtly.

“I was about to ask only that!” , squeaked Merchin in surprise. Ruskin rolled his eyes.

Frussel looked from Merchin to Ruskin. He felt it was strange that both didn’t act their age. The young man was silent and the old seemed to enjoy talking.

“I wish I knew”, he replied back.

Before Merchin could say anything, Ruskin spoke.

“You were the right hand of Lord Durne, what was your job?”

Frussel was slightly surprised and didn’t take efforts to conceal it.

“There was a hierarchy in the system. Lord Durne was careful not to involve just a person in any of the crimes that were committed. One person would not recognize the other even if they worked under him. I was responsible for conveying the messages from him to another”

Ruskin moved slightly forward, “How did he give instructions. Has he ever called over the phone? “

Frussel looked down at the table. “Usually it came in an envelope marked with a seal. It always contained the mark of Lord Durne. A red dove.”

“Red dove. That’s odd for a criminal like him”, said Merchin more to himself. He fiddled with his ring and glass but the other two ignored him completely.

“That was his daughter’s name , Dove. But she was raped by couple of drunken youngsters. The case didn’t even come to court.”

Ruskin rubbed his forehead with his fingers. “And who was assigned the task of killing?”

“I always delivered it to Orgy. That’s what everyone called him. So, I never knew who was assigned the work”, replied Frussel.

“Orgy? You mean the man who was killed last year?”, asked Merchin trying to butt into the conversation.

“Yes. It was him. There were rumours that Lord Durne killed him. He knew too much. Lord kept his men well but at the same time, wouldn’t wince a bit when they got too close or suspicious”, explained Frussel.

“You treat him like God. Have you seen Durne any time?”, asked Ruskin.

“He was our savior from poverty and miseries. No, I have never seen him. Not when I was conscious at least”

“What do you mean by that?”, asked Ruskin in a curious voice.

“I had a heart attack a year ago. He came to visit me at the hospital. I was dazed because of medicine and couldn’t see him well”, he looked down.

Ruskin collected all his thoughts and what Frussel had said. Lord Durne seemed to know what he was doing and was good at it. A man of his position was respected and feared.

“Remarkable guy”, he thought to himself.

Suddenly he saw Merchin staring into the coffee which he had sipped just a minute ago “Merchin, what happened?”

“It tastes weird”, he replied back.

There was ten seconds of silence.

“Don’t drink it!! Don’t drink!! It could be poisoned !!”, Ruskin screamed.

Merchin threw his mug on the table. It crashed sending echoes across the room. The other two picked their mugs to do the same. But, there were two gun shots.

The light in the room flickered. There was a strong coffee stench.

“Hello, headquarters?”

“Yes”, came the reply.

“There was a rift between a criminal and officers here at Bureau quarters and looks like they killed each other. Can you come immediately?”

“Shit! Who are you?”

He placed the receiver down and turned his ring on the right side which showed a red dove. He put on his hat and looked at the two dead bodies.In few hours, a third body would be discovered in the room. The body of the real Mr. Merchin.

“He knew too much”, he thought and left the place.

Yin Yang

Un-real

(What I write. The heights of exaggeration)

The heat wafted over my skin. The world seemed to nod to the violent silences. I followed as it moved stealthily and in the same pace as if it knew where it was heading. The circles made my senses spin in its own direction. The mind flew in the other and everything ceased to shatter in every direction that was not right. I shut my eyes to the unreality or was I assuming so? I did not want to confirm my fears but had to open my eyes to succumb to the endless movement.

My body felt heavy and fulfilled. The repulsiveness to spring upon remained though. I could not move and one side of the torso was reluctant to obey the other side.

Loneliness made its grasp and choked upon me as it were my enemy. Even when it was the case, I embraced the lost friend and let him torture me. He continued till I began to find him pleasant.

I began collecting all my thoughts that were hidden away in black vague shadows. I drifted to the place I never wanted to be but had to go. That was the norm of the moment.

Real

(What actually happens)

It was a hot afternoon and I was lying on the bed looking up the fan. I was following the rotation of the wings till my eyes and head hurt. I kept doing this because of boredom and having nothing to do.

The lunch was very heavy that afternoon and I had ‘kattufied’ moru kozhambu and everything that makes you sleep and because of this, I was not even able to move my body.

I was very bored and nothing was helping me at the moment. This all led to the feeling of loneliness.

I began to dream and drifted away to sleep.

(And there you go :D)