An assignment

I am going to through a writing course, because I needed to pick a hobby. As part of the course, I need to write an assignment about the most painful thing I felt in my life. I have 7 minutes to pour this out, and I could be brave. I have always been brave, or actually hiding because nobody is reading.

So, here it goes, my time starts now :

***

No, it wasnt love, or isolation, that hurt me the most. It was my own failure to give it all in my academics. A trait I cannot keep up with. It was during my teenager days and the final score of an exam, that affected me the most. I scored low among all the friends, and knew I wouldnt be in the best of colleges. And the most painful feeling in the situation was guilt.

I was given every opportunity by my parents to excel in academics. I was given internet at 15, coaching classes, incredible brilliant friends, yet I failed them all. I failed my parents. And it made me so guilty. I cried for an entire week to myself, I cried throughout the night that God could somehow change my scores. It felt like I was always in the limelight, and suddenly someone turned off the switch. I was there, stranded alone, and when I looked further at the audience, everyone stared back. My mother felt so disappointed that she didnt confront me. She wasnt angry . She was quiet. That quietness deafened me. I could hear my own voice in my head, and I am my most best-worst critic. It was my voice telling me that I failed for life. I wasnt going to a good college. I felt , and still feel I dont deserve the single opportunity given to me. All those I was privileged with should have gone to someone else who needed it most. He could have done things much better. It was my first big time failure. It crashed my confidence that I never gained back. It scares me to death of all the consequences that followed. Even today, when I write a simple certificate exam, the 17 year old me wakes up within. She is constantly telling me I am going fail in whatever I do. She is creeping all over my body, and no one understand this when I tell them. I am still ashamed that I disappointed everyone around me.

I am reminded of this again today, and it is the same guilt saddening feeling inside.

I wish I cold vomit these emotions.

And flush it down somewhere.

***

And I am done :)

Back in randomness

I forgot why I used to write. I dont know where the motivation came from, who read it or what some of my posts even meant. I tried to remember. I vividly understand the surge in heartbeat when I wrote an article. Those non flickering anticipation that each word gave.

What happened to old me ?

What happened to my happiness?

I just saw that the blog was more than a decade old. This means, there are pages of desperation, inspiration and flow of emotions for 10 long years. My each writing would reflect my mood of the day.

Where did my power to dream go? Why am I accepting everything on way now?

Currently, I am a wreck. I am not happy, grateful or sincere. I am lost, devastated and nothing is clear to me. Things I believed in are now forgotten. I live in delusion of black tar. I am suffocating in it, and I cant see.

Would you believe if I told you I have been questioning everyone's happiness?

What makes people happy ?

I dont know. I dont know as much as I dont know what to do with myself. I am too egoistic to delve deeper, and ask the right questions. And I am too proud to talk to anyone.

That was when I realized why I wrote.

Was it my heart speaking?

It has always been easier to write. Like in a diary. I could have never been able to win a speech , but I could write. I have always been able to explain pain as much as I could experience it. It was easier, like breathing.

I am sure it didnt make sense to lot of people, but to me, it did. I knew what I was going through with each sentence.

Maybe, I should write more. Only my sister has been pushing me to write more. I should do it.

I never believed in my writing. It was just a farce. A joke.

But now, to save myself, I need to write. And believe in it.